No, You're Not Crazy. It Might Just Be Gaslighting

It feels like someone is literally sucking the life out of you.

I’m in Martha's Vineyard this week, attending the Chilmark Writer’s Workshop. It’s my first time here, and I think I’m in love!  I'll be back next week. 

In the meantime, I wanted to share a post I wrote for Unchained, Crica 2016-ish, about a topic that’s deeply personal to me. It’s about gaslighting, manipulation, and losing yourself through it. Has this ever happened to you? I am living proof you can come out of this situation on the other side and begin living a life you love and enjoy. :-)

How did you recover? 

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No, You're Not Crazy. It Might Just Be Gaslighting

Are you feeling crazy in a relationship?

The problem might not be you - you might be experiencing gaslighting.  Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the victim is left questioning and doubting their feelings and sanity. Gaslighting is a power play for a perpetrator to gain control over the victim. 

I recorded a video for my Divorcing Well FB group, which you can see here:

I know many women (and just as many men) who experience gaslighting in marriage - but it can occur in any relationship.

The worst thing about gaslighting is its subtle nature. It's like a slow boil that’s difficult to notice, even by those who are emotionally well-adjusted. 

Sometimes, gaslighters are full-fledged narcissists (I know a few real-life examples of these extreme cases - it does happen, and it's not pretty). But many I've experienced are people with an addiction who use confusion to throw those close to them off the trail of their habits.

Others use it to manipulate victims to get something they want, namely a dependence from or power over another person. These people only feel safe when they're in total control. 

The worst thing about this form of abuse is that it slowly begins to strip away the self-worth of its victims. As a victim of gaslighting, I can tell you it feels like someone is literally sucking the life out of you - the other person almost becomes an emotional parasite. 

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This is a tough cycle to break, especially if the gaslighter is someone you love, like a spouse or a parent.  

The only way I’ve been able to manage these situations is by enforcing extreme accountability. This meant that I had to hold the gaslighter accountable at every step.

Every lie, every broken promise - confront the gaslighter on each incident. Be kind but firm. And this is important - do not, I repeat, do not engage the gaslighter with your feelings - only facts.

Know how to regulate your emotions and remain as neutral as possible.

I have had seasons in my life when I had to keep track of things that were said and promised, by physically writing them down. Then, I tracked those promises very closely. Doing this helped me distinguish reality from fabrication.

You’ll want to increase the capacity of your emotional toolbox. Approach each encounter calmly and as lovingly as possible. This is to keep things clear so you don’t doubt yourself.

If you’re breathing a sigh of relief right now—if any of this resonates with you—please know you’re in good company. And know there is hope and healing in your future.

Healing and recovery are possible.

I’ll put some links at the bottom of this post where you can start to learn more.

Until next time-

S

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More Resources:

• Wikipedia information on Gaslighting

• Healthline article on Gaslighting

• YouTube video: Healing from Gaslighting

• And here’s some great information about gaslighting and the HSP (Highly Sensitive Person)

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