That Quiet Thing that Erodes Your Relationships

The one you can't quite put your finger on.

There was a version of myself in many of my (past) relationships where I thought if I just found the right words, the right tone, the right moment - the person on the other end would finally be able to hear me, and we'd finally get somewhere. So I tried different ways of expressing my needs…

Maybe if I said it ‘nicer.’

Maybe if I said it again.

Maybe if I said it standing on my head.

Guess what? It didn’t work. And guess what else? I stayed anyway.

Back then, I believed my needs were the problem. I thought I was asking for too much, never realizing that the person sitting across from me wasn't refusing to hear me—they simply didn't have the capacity to.

I sat down with Jessica Falcon on The Soul Sovereignty Podcast to talk about the fear of being alone and what keeps us saying yes when we probably should say no. And why we perform a version of ourselves to ensure the relationship doesn’t end, only to realize we’re lonelier in it than we would be if we were alone.

There is nothing quite as lonely as a lonely intimate (can you say a relationship is intimate if you’re not really connected?) relationship.

There is so much meat in this conversation.

We got into codependency, and the difference between real connection and what I call “the (fucking) faker,” the sloppy stand-in for love that looks close enough to the real thing that you convince yourself that everything is and all is fine.

At the end, we opened up Pandora’s Box into financial sovereignty and what it costs women, particularly women in midlife, to hand over that part of themselves, too. We decided to table the heart of that discussion for another episode. I’ll let you know when it comes out.

I don’t know that I said anything I haven’t said here before on this podcast. But if you know me at all, you know I’m a firm believer that we learn and grow from seeing ourselves in others’ stories. I hope you do. I think that’s what these conversations are for.

Lately, I’ve been doing more podcast appearances, and I’ll do a better job of letting you know about them if you’re interested in listening.

If you’ve ever felt the specific ache of being unseen by someone who’s right there, this one’s for you.

A few things to revisit while you’re at it:

• The lonely-marriage piece that started this whole thread for me

• My essay on codependency and losing myself to keep the peace

• What financial recovery taught me about self-worth

I’ll be back next Tuesday with the regular essay. This week, just go listen. And then tell me - where does your fear of being alone actually live?