Q&A - Self-Worth and Identity

Feeling guilty for having needs? I've been there.

This week, I'm answering a question from my inbox. We learn from each other’s stories and experiences - sharing our truth is important. I love answering your questions, so continue to ask away!

Q: I feel guilty for having needs. Is that normal?

Am I selfish for wanting things? Even basic things like alone time or support. Why is it so hard for me to believe I deserve good things?

Fifteen years ago, I was sitting in my therapist's office describing some scene involving my (now) ex. I can't remember exactly what had happened, but I'm sure it had to do with him saying he would do something and then not doing it, which was a regular theme in my relationships back then.

At one point in my diatribe, the therapist put her pen down, looked at me, and stated, "My God, where are you in this relationship?"

I stopped cold. A part of me was confused; a part of me thought, 'Am I supposed to be somewhere in this relationship?’

A big part of me thought relationships were situations where I met everyone's needs, including my own. There was another part, a now bigger part (thanks to many years of therapy) that knew better. That part was able to speak up, even though the words she was speaking were new.

"Nowhere, I don't think I'm anywhere in this relationship," I told her.

I think you're right.

That was a defining moment for me. That two-minute exchange changed how I viewed my primary relationships and gave me permission to not only acknowledge that it was okay to have needs, but also to expect them to be met.

This is a clip from a drone show at the New York Botanical Gardens. - They’re having a Van Gogh exhibit there. It was very cool, until the lady walked right in front of me and sat down - she was trying to FaceTime someone during the show!

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Back to your question…

First, let me tell you, I'm sorry this is happening. I'll also tell you, I get it because I've been there. And I still go there occasionally.

Here's what I wish someone had told me all those years ago…

No. It is not normal to feel guilty for having needs. But I know so many of us do.

Feelings of guilt stem from doing something you think is wrong or bad. You feel guilty if you unintentionally hurt someone or cause harm or difficulty. The feelings of guilt can be good if it can help you recognize your part in something you’ve done that’s harmful, so you can do things differently next time.

However, these same feelings can harm you if you start feeling guilty for having normal, everyday human emotions.

So, where does this guilt come from?

When we're growing up, we have many needs. We have physical needs, emotional needs, spiritual needs - basically, all the needs. The younger we are, the more we rely on our parents and caretakers to help keep us alive and support our development.

Sometimes those in charge don't or can't meet our needs - this happens in ways big and small to just about everyone throughout our childhoods.

When we're little and our needs aren't consistently met, we make meaning out of it. And the meaning we make is rarely "Mom and Dad are doing their best, but they're overwhelmed" or "They have their own unhealed stuff that makes it hard for them to show up."

Instead, we usually conclude something like: "My needs are too much," "I'm being selfish," or "Good people don't ask for things."

Maybe you learned that your needs were inconvenient. Maybe you got the message that other people's needs always came first. Maybe you were labelled "demanding" or "high-maintenance" when you expressed what you wanted or needed.

Or maybe you grew up in a family where someone else's addiction, mental illness, or emotional instability took up all the oxygen in the room. In families like this, children often learn to make themselves smaller, to need less, to be the easy one.

These patterns don't just disappear when we become adults. They follow us into our relationships, our work, and our friendships. We become the person who gives and gives without asking for anything in return. We apologize for taking up space. We feel guilty for wanting basic things like emotional support, quality time, or even just to be heard.

And often, we don’t even realize we’re doing it.

Here's what I know to be true:

Your needs are not too much. They never were.

The people who made you feel like your needs were inconvenient or selfish? They were wrong. Not malicious, necessarily, but wrong.

You deserve to have your needs met; it’s not selfish—it's human. And healthy relationships require both people to show up with their needs and work together to meet them.

This creates connection and intimacy in a relationship.

The cost of denying your needs is enormous:

You end up exhausted, resentful, and disconnected from yourself. You attract people who are happy to take from you without giving back. You lose touch with what you actually want and need because you've spent so much energy convincing yourself you shouldn't want anything at all.

And here's the thing that might surprise you: when you don't express your needs, you rob other people of the opportunity to show up for you. You rob them of the chance to love you well.

So, how do you start healing this?

Start small. Begin by simply noticing your needs without judgment. When you feel tired, acknowledge it. When you want comfort, don't dismiss it. When you need space, don't talk yourself out of it.

Practice the phrase: "I have a need, and that's okay."

Try expressing one small need this week. Maybe it's asking a friend to listen while you vent. Perhaps it's as simple as telling your partner you need an hour to yourself. Maybe it's declining a commitment because you're already stretched thin.

Notice the guilt that comes up, and instead of fighting it, just observe it. Think of it like a smoke alarm that's been programmed wrong - it's going off even though there's no fire.

Remember: guilt about having needs is a learned behaviour. So, you can unlearn it.

You don't have to earn your worth by being needless. You don't have to prove you're good by asking for nothing.

Your needs matter because you matter. Full stop.

And the people who love you? They want to know what you need. They want to show up for you. But they can't if you don't tell them.

It's time to take your place in your own life. It's time to believe you deserve the same care and consideration you so freely give to others.

Your needs aren't the problem. The guilt about having them is.

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I appreciate each of you so much.

LYLAS -

S

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