Skip Resolutions And Try This Now

How to clean up your side of the street.

If you’ve followed me for a while, you know I’m not one for making New Year’s resolutions. Mostly because I think they set you up for disappointment and (well, I guess) failure. When you set yourself up like that, it leads to living a dissatisfied life. And that is a bummer.

I’m more aligned with the ideas that:

• Every day is a new year.

• Every day, every moment is an opportunity for change.

Helped out at the Generation Women writers retreat again last weekend. So fun!

In other words, you don’t have to (nor should you) wait for a new year to make something happen in your life. You can do it anytime you become aware enough to do so.

However, I do like to use this time of year to ‘take stock’ of my current situations and decide what’s working and what’s not. This year, as I’m doing that, I’ve become aware that I need to clean up my side of the street.

As a recovering codependent, I’ve spent a lot of time in Al-Anon meetings in all their forms over the years. One principle that gets plenty of airtime in those rooms is cleaning up your side of the street. Maybe you’ve heard of this concept yourself - perhaps not. When I first started in recovery, I didn’t quite understand it either.

Cleaning up your side of the street

It is essentially taking responsibility for your words and actions in a situation, relationship, or life in general - no matter what else has happened or occurred. If your actions caused pain for another, in any form - even if the pain they caused was ‘worse’ - it might be time to clean up your side of the street.

Harm (even if it’s subtle or feels minute) leads to disconnection, and disconnection leads to the destruction of a relationship. And so it is your responsibility to own what you did.

I know it sounds sucky but when you’ve inadvertently ‘flown off the handle,’ or gossiped about a friend, or given someone the side-eye at the family dinner table, well - I said what I said.

The reason this feels hard is that our superprotector - the ego - can get in the way. Your ego wants you to be right - you want to be right - wanting to be right makes us human. We hide behind the safety of our rightness and trade that for what might be true connection. Apologizing humbles us. And humility can be a tricky thing.

But here’s the deal. Cleaning up your side of the street is actually your secret weapon.

It gives you a new start - a new beginning. A clean slate, if you will.

It releases you - you know you’ve done your part - you know you’ve done all you can do to improve things and this frees you to continue with your life, unburdened.

It releases you from grudges or resentment.

And because of this, it is for you, not the other person.

When you know you’ve done what you need to do to try and clear the air, it’s easier to let things go and move on with your life. If it comes around again, awesome. If it doesn’t at least you know you’ve done all you can.

But Sara, what the other person did was so much worse!

Yeah - I’m sure it was, but that doesn’t matter. Not really.

One steadfast rule I always need to remember:

You cannot change other people.

You can only change yourself.

In the same way, you cannot make someone else take responsibility for their actions. You can only take responsibility for your own. ( I know, I hate it too.)

OK - fine. So, what does this look like? How do you even do it?

If you recognize your behavior might have harmed someone, here’s what you can do.

Approach gently and succinctly.

Here’s an example:

You know, I noticed I snapped at you last night while we did the dishes. That’s not how I want to behave (or I wasn’t my best self - or something that states your truth). I’m sorry I did that.

Done. You can leave it there.

Here’s what not to do:

- Drone on and on - KISS (Keep it simple, Sally)

- Make it their fault (If you’d just scraped the plates right, then…)

- Give a ‘but’ (but you weren’t scraping the plates right)

If you’re not sure how your actions were received - ask.

Listen, I think I snapped at you the other day - is that how you felt, too?

If they say no, that’s great! Tell them your relationship is important enough to you to ensure there are no hard feelings.

If they say yes, take responsibility.

“Yeah, I didn’t like that I did that. I’d like to apologize,” but don’t justify. Even if your justification is warranted (e.g., you were sleep deprived, not feeling well, etc.), while all of that can be and probably is true, it doesn’t matter when you’re taking real responsibility. If the person continues the conversation, you can explain your reasons at that point.

For more difficult situations:

Approaching with caution and brevity. I have an old friend who I haven’t spoken to in years; at times, I’ve wondered if she’s cut me out of her life intentionally or if our separation has simply been a result of life’s busy circumstances.

A quick text to clean up my side of the street (aka the relationship) might look something like this:

“Hi, and happy holidays - I know it’s been a long time, and I’d love to reconnect. If I’ve done something that has upset you and you’d like to talk about it, I’d welcome the opportunity. Let me know if you’d like that as well. Regardless, I hope you and your family are doing great.”

So, though I cannot commit to any new habits in the New Year, something I can commit to is controlling the only thing within my control - and that is me. Once I’ve done all I can do, I can let it go, which is the ultimate form of freedom.

Here’s to being free in 2025.

LYLAS -

S