Stepping Out of Codependency

A complex but worthy journey.

I wrote this back in 2018, and it’s still applicable today (I did give it a little ‘refresh’). Taking the time to look back isn't about dwelling on old patterns; it's a powerful way to remember what it took to find my way back to me.

As you know, I’m going back to the basics of dealing with codependency. I thought this might be a good place to start.  So here’s me from 2018. 

I invite you to join me in this reflection— I’m doing a Q&A next week on your questions about codependency. What it is, what it looks like, how it feels in your body. Comment on this post to submit yours, or reply to this email to keep things private.

The room was dark, and my head spun as I listened to the clock silently ticking toward dawn. Why did I feel the way I did? I was confused all the time, gripped by anxiety. It was a constant struggle to attain ‘rightness’ with the people and the world around me, a pointless fight that failed with each attempt. It was keeping me up at night, and it was slowly killing me.

It was 2015, and I was trying something new. I was becoming a new person and finding a new way of relating to those around me—a healthier way that finally didn’t take me under. 

Dysfunction, addiction, and codependent relationships are all a part of my story – they are a part of many of our stories.  

I’d started answering questions on Quora –

Lately, people have been asking what it’s like to come out of codependency and how to begin.

The answer is twofold. There are physical, logistical steps you can take to help keep codependent tendencies at bay. I’ve listed those: Join a group, get support, read some books, practice good self-care. Like anything, you can make a list of ‘how to’ and miss the parts that matter—the parts that will trip you up.

As your friend, I will tell you, coming out of this whirlwind is tough – and it’s not for the faint of heart. I have done it – I am somewhat on the other side. I am better and healthier today than yesterday; that is my only goal.

Better today than yesterday. 

Am I stronger in love, more vulnerable with my heart? 

Am I giving myself enough grace to let the flow of God run through me?

Sometimes, I attain it. Sometimes, not so much. 

Let’s take a look.

When you begin, it will look like focusing on you – like every bit of focus on you. If you have young children who need your care, you care for them – but otherwise, the focus is on you.

The people with an addiction, the narcissists, those in your life who have required much more from you than any human should – those who depend on your willingness to bend and break to remain comfortable in their own state of being. Those people won’t like this very much. Their reactions might be strong. It will be hard to withstand their forces – it might seem like the most unnatural thing in the world.

And that’s ok. You are learning to step out of something that’s no longer beneficial to you.

Remember, the stronger their reaction to your new behavior, the stronger their need for you to be a certain way to assure their comfort.

You will begin to discover what you want and what you don’t want out of life. To attain this, you will have to set boundaries. You will learn to state your needs clearly and effectively. People with an addiction, narcissists, and those who require more from you than humanly possible will find this absurd. They will criticize you – they might blame you for their pain. They won’t understand.

And that’s ok- because you are learning to stand.

Then, you will grow enough to begin to state your needs clearly and effectively—without grandstanding, yelling, or criticism. Then, you will stand back and quietly wait. You will see what your loved ones do. Some will come toward you, reviewing your newness. They will want a relationship with you, honor your boundaries, and make necessary changes to foster healthy relationships as best they can.

These are the people you love and the people you keep close.

Others will not have the ability (yet) to see beyond themselves. They will repeat the same behaviors and be confused when things between you seem strained. These are the people you love and the people you hold at a distance.  

And that’s ok – because you are standing.

As each day passes, you will grow and learn. You will do the best you can with what you know and what you have—and so will the people you love, for this is all any of us can ever do.

Until next time -

S

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