What Happens When You Choose to Change Your Life?

The unexpected difficulty of making shifts because you want to, not because you have to

We're moving—how's it going with you?

The back story…

We’ve been renting here in NYC, and our lease is up for renewal. The plan was to spend two years in this place and start building something in NC, which would ultimately become our large family "gathering place," where we'd spend extended amounts of time when we could. Then, we'd move to something smaller in the city.

However, the house is not done—in fact, it hasn't even broken ground.

So much for that plan.

When it was time to renew our lease six months ago, it wasn't crystal clear what we should do. But Walter and I looked at each other, and both of us realized it was still time for a shift.

We wanted a new experience. We feel like now is the right time. This place isn't serving us the way it used to. Our needs have changed. We want a new neighborhood—a new place to explore.

It feels like a shedding somehow. With every change, there is a release.

In the move, we're giving up some things—a full third bedroom and a view that rivals that of any rooftop bar here in the city. There is an ego part of me that wonders, “Am I going to be okay with this? What if we get there and regret this decision?”

Especially since we don't have to make this shift, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned by now, it’s that it's okay to change just because you want to.

The sun sets on our time here.

Moving vs. Being Moved

Typically, changes like this are thrust upon us—something happens, and then you move, sometimes physically, sometimes metaphorically.

But this shift feels different. It's gone from a forceful "your life circumstances have changed, so now you must change," to a gentler "it feels like the right time to shift, to pivot."

Change makes more sense when it's thrust upon you, but maybe not so much when you choose to do it.

My favorite excuse is, "This is what happened, so this is what I'm doing." Now I realize how much of a cop-out that is. It takes real courage to stand up and say, "This is the shift I'm making because it's what I want and it feels right."

Our space is getting smaller, but it feels like our world is getting bigger.

Over the years, I've been moved out of friend groups and professional settings, out of houses, a marriage, and a home filled with kids. Even when I know the time’s right and it’s what I want, it's still sad, and it hurts a little.

There is a type of grief that comes with any change.

There is a preparation, a clearing out of what we no longer need. Clothes that no longer fit. Items in the pantry and freezer that are past their usefulness. That old bottle of cleaning product with the sprayer that never worked all that well. It is time for all of that to go.

I love a good metaphor.

Getting Personal

I can't help but notice how much is shifting inside of me as well. A cleaning out within, if you will.

I'm gathering disclosures for my book and having difficult discussions with my parents and others about the things I have written. I'm realizing just how much "gunk" I have left to sift through in my people-pleasing patterns.

No matter how old you are, it's hard to disappoint those you love. And what I'm learning is that expressing how I feel can lead to that—or at least lead to defensiveness, justification, and tension, which I perceive as disappointment.

I'm not sure if my loved ones can handle my truth.

I'm not sure I can handle that reality.

Can I be okay with their reaction to me?

I want to write authentically from my true heart, with my true feelings, and if I'm going to do that, I'm going to have to let what’s left of that people-pleasing part of me go—or at least not get so caught up in it.

I'm asking myself a tricky question:

How much am I willing to silence myself for the sake of someone else's ego?

Their reaction to my story and to my feelings can unsettle me, and it has nothing to do with them. My discomfort in their discomfort is not their problem. Nor should I make it their problem.

These are the things I'm grappling with. This is what's shifting around in me right now. Sometimes I stand on the shore curiously watching, and sometimes I jump in and take a bath in all of it.

I know there is a better way to be, a better way to live. And that takes releasing those old people-pleasing parts.

But I'm working it out. I know once I do, it will be good for all of us.

Now that I think about it, maybe it's the physical move that's symbolic of what’s shifting inside of me.

“If you could ‘shed’ one thing in your life right now, what would it be?”

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I appreciate each of you so much.

LYLAS -

S