Does it Feel Like Your Drunk Uncle is Coming for the Holidays?

This might be why.

NOTE: This story has nothing to do with my actual uncles. Mine are genuinely wonderful. That is all, now please read on, thank you.

Raise your hand if any of this sounds familiar.

You’re 13. (or 10 or 15 or any age for that matter)

He comes in with a quirky smile on his face. You extend your hand as a greeting, which he takes to bring you in, ‘I need a hug from my girl!’

Everyone looks away while he holds on a little too long as he puts his hand on the small of your back. You can smell liquor on his breath.

Shasta has zero interest in drunk uncle energy.

The night continues - things get louder and more chaotic as ‘drunk uncle’ sits at the table spouting his opinions on everything from business to politics to sports. Then it gets more personal with his missives about the people at the table - and intense criticism of others who are not there.

The drunker he gets, the more insidious the commentary - some of it racist, some of it homophobic - all of it cringe-worthy.

He comments on your ‘growing body.’

There is a mixed reaction around the room. Some look away uncomfortably, hoping their disengagement will be enough to make him stop. Some stay engaged and laugh along. Some get up and leave, feigning the urgent need to do the dishes. He looks over and gives you a wink. 

No one says anything.

And the message is clear - don’t start something with this guy and don’t make things uncomfortable. 

You feel ambivalent - a little sick inside but you don’t want to say or do anything to rock the boat. I mean, no one else is saying anything. Maybe you’re wrong about your assessment of the situation and your feelings. Maybe you’re making too big a deal? What would you even say, anyway?

So, you say nothing.

Perhaps you start to fawn, hoping to win his favor and stay in his good graces. Going along with it might ensure your safety from future condemnation. You don’t want to be the one he talks badly about, right? 

When you do this, you betray yourself a little. 

But you don’t know this yet.

You excuse yourself and go into the kitchen to help with the dishes. You explain this sick feeling and are told, ‘It’s just his personality’ and ‘he doesn’t mean any harm.’ ‘He’s joking; it’s just fun.’

Is it fun, though? 

It doesn’t feel fun. 

But what do you know? You’re only 13 (or 10 or 15 or any age, for that matter).

You feel powerless and alone because no one but you seems to notice how hurtful this is.

By the end of the night, the damage has been done. The seed has been planted that you can’t trust the adults in your life to stand up, and worse, you can’t trust your own feelings.

I’ve felt this way over the years (and recently) as I’ve heard the many sexist and other dehumanizing remarks made by our politicians.

It gives drunk uncle energy, and it’s not a big leap to understand why a lot of us find it (re-)traumatizing. 

It’s easy to feel powerless. 

Do the election results make you feel like your friends and neighbors are in the kitchen saying, ‘It’s just his personality,’ ‘He doesn’t mean any harm,’ ‘It’s no big deal?’ 

Are we creating an environment where this behavior is acceptable in our society and in our dining rooms?

This drunk uncle energy has been here all along; we only see it more clearly now.

The election has given us a mirror, and we’ve held it up and said, ‘This is where we are.’

I don’t want to live in this place. I think we’re better than this.

I also know where real change comes from. It starts within me and not the other person.

What if we switched things up? Asked questions such as;

Why do we do what we do? Why do we feel the way we feel?  And more basically, How are we even feeling?

These are the questions I’m asking myself right now.

The core of my work is to explore ways to heal our hearts through the world around us. Change how we see ourselves and others in a way that lifts up and doesn’t tear down.

That’s what I want for this Substack community—a place to ask these questions and learn from each other.

I’m starting a new SOS forum as an extension of How To Blow Up Your Life.

I want to provide space for us to explore our hearts about this topic and other sensitive and important issues. Fostering honest communication that helps lift all of us into the best versions of ourselves. Searching the depths of our hearts to understand how we’re feeling - asking, what’s really going on here?

I don’t have it all figured out yet, but if what I’m saying resonates with you, I would love for you to join me. You are welcome here.

These are the goals of our SOS forum:

• Better understand one another and ourselves.

• Explore our inner worlds - why do these issues activate us? Are the things we believe based in truth? We’ll explore what we’re afraid of and why.

• Learn to better navigate tricky relationships (work/partners/dysfunctional family, especially over the holidays).

• Unpack sensitive subjects, talk about the stuff we don’t want to talk about AND be able to navigate it in our bodies while having productive conversations with each other.

• Get curious about things we don’t understand to gather information, not change our minds. (But if you choose to change your mind, that’s fine too - I change my mind all the time)

• Help us find peace in a world full of chaos.

We will do this through new ways to connect:

• Live Zoom meetings

• Community group chats and comments

• Content created especially for the community

Here’s what to do:

• If you’re a paid subscriber (thank you!) - do nothing. I’ll be in touch soon.

• If you’re a free subscriber, send me a message. If you send me a DM now (or respond to this email), you’ll be in free for the next few months.

• If you’re not a subscriber, subscribe now, and I’ll put you on the list.

• And please…tell your friends who might be interested.

Coming up next

In the weeks before the end of the year, we’ll explore some topics that might emerge for us during the holiday season, including setting healthy expectations, judging ourselves and others, and finding acceptance and gratitude. Oh, and I’ll also list a few of my favorite things that might make great gifts for your people or yourself!

Have an enjoyable week, and happy Thanksgiving to those in the US. Don’t forget to send me that message.

LYLAS

S