If you’re in the US, you probably know it was Mother’s Day this past weekend. I knew it too, of course, but it didn’t dawn on me until late Sunday night that I might want to write something about it.
Sometimes, I think of just the right thing to do, but it's about three beats too late. I’m like a walking, talking, seven-second delay.
Mothering is complex, and trying to honor that complexity with a day of brunch and flowers and hand-written (although adorable) cards and notes, while sweet, thoughtful, and all the things, pales in comparison to everything it takes to actually honor a mother. What I’m trying to say is that the Hallmark holidays have never resonated with me much. I guess that’s why writing a Mother’s Day post wasn’t on my radar.
When I became a mother in 1999, I had a vision for the family I wanted, the life, and the childhood I wanted to provide for my kids. In the early stages of mothering, I thought that all you really had to do was love your kid, and things would turn out okay.
I wasn’t prepared for all the mental, emotional, and physical fortitude mothering entailed. And, as it turns out, I didn’t really understand what love was. Motherhood rocked me to my core, but it is probably what I needed to become the woman I am today.
I’m reading a lot of my old journals right now, especially the notes I kept while I was going through my divorce many years ago. I came across an entry from back then detailing my abject grief in making that decision.
I won’t quote the entire thing because it’s a real downer, but there were a few points that stuck out as important to me, especially as I’m currently standing in the light from the ‘other side’ of that season.
I saw in my notes that at the time, I was realizing I had made vows to myself regarding my kids:
My children would never experience the pain of divorce
My children would not come from a broken home
Those two vows drove almost all of my decisions, even at the detriment of my own well-being.
I was also uncovering some lies I’d been believing:
Staying married was the only way to keep my kids safe
The only way to have a good relationship with my children was to stay home with them (Aka not work outside the home)
Here’s what I wrote:
I feel like I have failed my children, that I have robbed them of a whole mother/father family experience and a loving home where we each love and support each other.
I wanted to be able to stay at home with you so that you would feel a sense of safety and connection to your home. Have a place where you could feel safe, known, and loved with a solid foundation and beginning that you could stand on to build your own lives. Divorce and a life of nannies, aftercare, and endless ‘passing off’ is not the childhood I wanted for you.
I remember agonizing over these things and the pain this whole situation would bestow upon them. Divorce was not what I wanted.
Despite the vows I’d made and the lies I’d believed, we didn’t have the family experience I wanted for them and likely never would. We did have good times, but a lot of what we had was dysfunctional, unhealthy, and unconnected.
I wanted so much more for them. I wanted so much more for me.
And it wasn’t only the marriage that was messed up; I was, too. There was a point in time when I didn’t like the mother I was to my children. I wanted to be different with them, different for them.
I had this end-game of love, connection, and nurturing in mind, but knew my everyday actions would not get me there. Which meant I was going to have to change. And change I did. I changed a lot about myself and a lot about my life, including deciding to change my marital status, which seemed counterintuitive when you think of it in terms of being a better mother.
Why would a good mother divorce her children’s father? (You can read why in a post from a while back, Why Staying Together for the Kids is Such a Bad Idea.)
I renounced the vows and stopped believing the lies I was telling myself. I healed, I grew, and I became a better version of myself, which, in the end, was the most loving thing I could ever do for them.
As far as I know. I hope so, anyway.
Mothering, like humaning, is imperfect. There is no one way to be a good mother. If you are a mother, I hope you can remember this in the hard times, during the difficult decisions, and in the good times.
And, I hope you enjoyed your day.
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I appreciate each of you so much.
LYLAS -
S
So much of this resonates. I was a SAHM for 20 years, convinced that staying married and staying at home was The Way to live and to raise my kids. Those beliefs kept me stuck and "working" on my marriage for years, if not decades. Like you, there were good times and a good life; but so much was missing -for me, anyway. 5 years post separation; divorce pending. Thank you for sharing this-it helps me feel less alone in my story.
😊Thank you!