What Are You Expecting?

Managing expectations during the holiday and beyond.

I watched the sunrise this morning from our apartment in NYC. It was the first time I’ve been up before 8 a.m. in ten days, and I’m typically an early riser.

I’ve been sick and while this bug has passed through the rest of our apartment without much fanfare, mine has turned into some sort of pneumonia requiring antibiotics and lots of rest.

The rest part is coming because I don’t feel like or literally can’t do anything else. There has been a lot of Netflix happening over here.

If you’re looking for a new show to binge, hit me up.

Scenes from the sunrise.

So, this morning, when I awakened at my ‘usual’ time with some latent excitement about what the day might bring, I jumped on it.

I didn’t expect last week to look like it did. Hell, I didn’t expect the beginning of December to look like it did.

By now, I expected I would have my posts written for the rest of 2024. I expected Christmas plans and gifts, and all of that would be well on their way to completion. I expected I’d be taking my daughter and her friends to a fancy dinner to celebrate their coming for a visit. I had plans to be on Notes. I had plans to start a group…¹

I had plans.

But none of it happened.

I have always had high expectations of myself and those around me. Anything less than ‘my plan’ used to send me into a shame cycle and a sort of strange boxer-style round in the ring between myself and my to-do list.

I don’t live like that anymore - or I try not to anyway.

As a recovering codependent, the dysfunctional behaviors I described above are hard-wired. There is a constant need for me to actively let go. And when I can, there is such a relief inside. Letting go is a balm to my soul.

What are expectations, anyway?

Expectations are the things we believe should happen; we expect people to act a certain way or for things to go a certain way, which is typically the way we want them to go so that we can be happy and/or feel safe and satisfied.

In other words, we think getting the outcome we desire will make us happy or create a sense of safety.

So, we plan, we organize, we line up all of our proverbial ducks, and then hang on tight, urging all of these things to stay the course so that our desired outcome can be achieved.

We set expectations based on our internal belief systems. We can only process things around us through the grid of our own understanding.

The Truth About Expectations

1. They can be the source of a lot of our pain and disappointment in life (aka suffering) if gone unmet.

2. Expectations are a sneaky little form of control. There, I said it.

It’s understandable. We want to know what will happen because uncertainty is scary.

All of this got me thinking about the upcoming holiday. (We celebrate Christmas, but it can be any holiday or any day in general, for that matter)

The tree at Rockafeller Center - because who doesn’t love this?

What am I expecting?

Can I let go of the outcome I desire? Or will I hang on tight?

Sometimes, I enter into a situation and am not even aware of my expectations for the events or the people around me.

I’ll give you an example, and this is totally hypothetical (of course).

Let’s say I desire to have a peaceful, fun, and loving holiday season. To get my desired outcome, I’ve set up all of these ‘ideas’ about how things should go. But what I’ve actually done is try to force the real world to meet my expectations so that I can feel good.

Let’s say those things include people showing up on time and loving the gifts I’m giving them. When people arrive late, they hate the gifts, and things don’t turn out the way I wanted them to, I try to temper my disappointment with absurd behavior - by making it their fault.

I tell myself that I would have a good holiday and be happy if they had shown up on time and liked my gifts.

I had all these expectations because that’s what I needed in order to have a good holiday. And I cannot tell you how royally fucked up that way of thinking is. I know it’s common but fucked up nonetheless. Most of the time we don’t even realize this is what we’re doing.

So, back to the questions…

What am I expecting? Can I let go? Or will I hang on tight?

I have to decide these things ahead of time because the answer will reveal itself in the moment - in a split second - and could have the power to impact the trajectory of the night, the week, and maybe forever.

I started wondering…

What’s the difference between having an expectation and having hope?

For one, hope is our own. Expectations are about the other.

It hurts if we hope for something and don’t get it. And, as humans, we do almost anything to avoid pain. But if we try placing expectations on those around us, it gives us a reason to blame the other for the pain of not having our hopes and desires fulfilled. I can hope everyone shows up on time, but I can’t make them show up on time.

Hope lets go.

Expectation holds on.

Do you see the difference?

Hope that is not realized; you deal with the pain of your disappointment.

Expectation: you try to offload the pain you feel by blaming the other.

I also started wondering…

What does love look like?

How do expectations fit in with love? If you love someone, should you have any expectations of them at all? Something to think about.

What are you expecting? In life, but especially during this holiday season.

Will you let go? Or will you hang tight?

Think about it -

LYLAS -

S

1. PS - I know we talked about starting an SOS group. I’m feeling the pressure of not doing what I intended to do (and what I said I would do). There’s a part of me that wants to push through, but I’ve decided I’m not going to do that. Instead, I’m prioritizing getting well and having a peaceful, fun, and loving holiday season. If we have to move starting the group to next year, we’ll do that. I hope you know how much I appreciate you. Thank you for reading and continuing to read my work. It means the world to me.